With the amount of business closings and layoffs in the largest metropolitan centers like Miami, New York, Los Angeles due do the coronavirus, it is reasonable to assume there may be more desperate people in the streets, so be careful.
Some of these unfortunate people might resort to holdups in the streets to replace their lost income, so everyone should follow these protective steps.
- If you’re walking alone at night on a city street and someone is following you wearing a mask, start violently coughing.
If that doesn’t work, then lean against side of a building as if you’re near passing out from fever and most likely they won’t bother you for fear you’re carrying a lethal weapon, the virus.
- If someone sticks a gun in your face and says: “your money or your life,” don’t give them that old stingy Jack Benny line, “wait a minute, I’m thinking it over.”
No, you ask them to just give you a second to put on rubber gloves as you don’t want to touch your horribly contaminated wallet or purse, then throw it on the ground and tell them they’re welcome to it as well as all the germs inside it, especially on your credit cards as you’re on your way to the hospital to check yourself in.
Next, here’s how clergy across the country today will be conducting wedding ceremonies:
- “Will the bride and groom now join elbows.”
Now for a sick vaudeville routine brought up to sick modern times:
T: A funny thing happened to me the other day
A: What?
T: I saw this coronavirus coming toward me?
A: OMG. What did you do?
T: Put my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t have to wash ‘em. (rim shot)
A: Hey wait a minute. You just shook hands with me!
T: Yea, I’m sorry, I got the loneliest hands in town. Just needed to press some flesh. (cymbal crash)
A: I’d like to slap your face.
T: I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Everyone’s saying not to touch there.
A: You make me sick.
T: Yes, that’s why you’d better keep your hands off me, buster. They call me the coronavirus kid!
T: Did you know the CDC says you can shoot to kill corona virus with a hair blow dryer aimed at your sinuses?
A: I tried that.
T: What happened?
A: I dunno. I missed.
THAT’S IT, FOLKS. SHOWS OVER. NOW WASH YOUR HANDS. AND STAY SAFE!
