Published On: Wed, Jun 22nd, 2011

Poor Hef. There won’t be any Crystal in his future.

 I was saddened to hear that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was dumped by his 25-year-old bride-to-be Crystal Harris. My goodness they seemed like such a wonderful couple. He – an old man who has slept with every tall slinky blond with breast implants – and Her – a young nubile sexy blond with long golden locks and ample breasts (saline anyone?).

 I was feeling sorry for the jilted groom until I saw a picture of them together. Excuse me but the man (no matter how rich he is) looks like a prune when posing with the stunning blond that was going to be his wife. It got me thinking, would a 25-year-old fellow want to marry me when I am 85-years-old and past my primal prime?

 Even if I had a few billion dollars in the bank (and interest rates were 15 percent) could I delude myself into thinking that a robust young man would want to marry me? Perhaps Hef has been hanging out in his hot tub for so many years (with young babes) that his mirror has fogged, permanently. Maybe he didn’t realize that next to Crystal (who I assume is not a Rhodes Scholar) he looks like a cadaver.

But it seems that Crystal outsmarted the silver fox. She lifted up her public profile by hanging out with the “man in the mansion” and then released a record on iTunes the week of their breakup. It really gets you thinking, gee, this gal played the player. And I for one think he deserves it. The old codger should be sleeping with women his own age (if there are any still alive) or at least with women half his age (which would be 42 and a half).

 I know I am too old for Hef. At almost 61 I would be something he would hang on his closet door like a wet towel. But if I stood next to the pruneman I would look a lot better than he does. And I am sure I have led a less sinister (and more appropriate) role in society. Nonetheless, I understand the plight of his run-a-way bride. “”After much deep reflection and thought, I have decided to end my engagement with Hef,” Harris said, “I have the utmost respect for Hef and wish him the best going forward.”

 To which Hefner replied, “The wedding is off. Crystal has had a change of heart….There were no arguments.” You’re darn right there were no arguments; the man has to preserve his heart valves, his blood pressure and his main arteries. And Crystal had a change of heart? Believe me she had more than a change of heart. The woman came to her senses – not in her heart, but in her wallet. She is famous now and has enough blond hair to nab any Hollywood heartthrob (or accountant) without the need to marry a man who seems propped up by stilts (and preserved in formaldehyde).

 They say timing is everything. So perhaps their stars were not lined up in the proper galaxy to wed. But before we go feeling sorry for poor Hef, it is important to note that he has taken up with Ms. January, Anna Sophia Berglund. According to reports the sexy playmate moved into the mansion (and his bedroom) just days after the Swarovski crystal-encrusted invitations to his wedding were sent out.

 So it really makes one wonder, just how much Viagra does this man consume? And, did he really love Crystal or was he just using her until someone better came along?

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