Published On: Thu, Aug 11th, 2016

Ep. 33: How To Gain Confidence With Men

Afro happy latin woman

Sex, Lust & Love…What Matters?

I’ve received several questions lately about confidence and how to gain more of it when it comes to men and dating. I decided to write a column to address this topic.

One of the first things to realize is this isn’t about men.

Click here to watch the video instead

Confidence is not something outside of us. We don’t need to go out and get it. We are born confident and beautiful beings, but we typically suppress it over the years by berating ourselves, and habitually running negative self-talk over and over again in our minds. Most of us are terrible friends to ourselves. We treat everyone else better than we treat ourselves. We can all allow our natural confidence to shine with a little bit of practice.

One of the detrimental things we do is look for outside circumstances or validation from others in order to justify or raise our confidence. If we do something someone likes or praises us for, it raises our confidence. However, if someone comes along and doesn’t give us that validation that we’re used to receiving or something challenges this belief, we don’t feel as good about ourselves, and this can sometimes cause us to doubt our confidence.

The problem with this is it’s external validation, and the problem with external validation is, it’s external.

Meaning, we must rely on outside circumstances or people to feel good about ourselves. If the circumstance or the person leaves or changes their opinion, then our confidence goes down. It’s very conditional in that if the conditions change, our opinions and beliefs about ourselves change and subsequently our feelings.

Confidence should come from within. If we foster our own innate confidence and change our beliefs about ourselves, based upon our own thoughts, then we are forever in charge of how we feel about ourselves.

Then we’re not at the mercy of how others feel about us.

In essence, we have not given away our power.

The freedom that can come from being the sole person who determines how you’re feeling is exhilarating.

The result, no matter what happens to you or around you, you can still feel good.

This is achievable by every single person. It may not happen overnight, but it can and will happen. It starts by believing we are powerful beings who create our own life.

Do you know what makes you unique and special?

You should be able to answer this question immediately off the top of your head. You shouldn’t have to take a few hours or days to figure out what’s special about you. If you’re struggling to think of these qualities, then perhaps it’s time to focus on yourself and stop worrying about trying to get someone else to notice you, when you’re barely noticing who you are.

It’s ok if you can’t come up with anything because now you have a good place to start. Begin by writing down the top 10 things that make you unique and special.

List things you’ve always felt were true about you or things you’re good at. Maybe you’re a great listener or a great friend. Perhaps you can cook rather well or you’re an avid bike rider or piano player. If you’re having trouble thinking of things, think about things you love to do or are passionate about. Odds are, what you’re passionate about, you’re good at. It might be that you’re a fantastic video game player.

If you’re doing this exercise, take a few days and keep a list going and add to it as you think of things.

Maybe you keep a clean house and can organize any mess. Perhaps you have a great sense of humor or blue eyes or really great hair. These can be both personality traits as well as physical traits. The things on this list should be things you believe to be true about yourself.

Try thinking about the things that have always made you feel separate or different from others and see them from a different perspective. Maybe you’ve always been the serious one of your friends and people always want you to relax more, but because of that trait you are trusted with everyone’s spare house keys and you’re always the person everyone wants to drive them home when they’ve had too much to drink. If that’s the case, then add trustworthy, responsible, and dependable to your list.

Spend some time trying to see your perceived “negative” traits as positive.

Once you have your list, try narrowing it down to the top 5 things about you. If you’ve created your list and now you’re having trouble narrowing it down, good for you!

Memorize your list.

Place it somewhere where you’ll see it every day and can read it often. It’s best to read it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. You want to get to the point where the things on your list are second nature to you and you are thinking about them often. What you’ll find is, the more you focus on how special and unique you are, the more others will perceive you that way. As you begin to truly believe how wonderful you are, you’ll increase your confidence in yourself and the knowing that you’re a fabulous person. This will lend itself to you feeling as though others should see you and treat you this way and you’ll soon come to expect to be treated a certain way and you won’t tolerate anything less. What you’ll find is people will begin to treat you the way you expect to be treated.

Another way to allow your natural confidence to come out is to try some affirmations.

Louise Hay, owner of Hay House Publishing, has an affirmation that she uses daily, especially in situations that make her slightly nervous.

She repeats in her mind: “I am beautiful and everyone loves me.”

This is not to be confused with the idea of thinking you’re the most attractive person in the room or you want to be the most beautiful person on earth. This is about your natural beauty and pure love for yourself and others.

Try saying this repeatedly on your way to a date and while walking into a room to meet someone. If you’re at a party and start feeling self conscious, repeat this affirmation several times. Try saying it while walking down the street and notice how others respond to your positive vibration.

It should feel good to say this to yourself. If you’re feeling frustrated and annoyed, this affirmation won’t work very well.

The main idea behind all affirmations and thinking better thoughts is to feel good while doing it. It’s your feelings that change your thoughts and perceptions, and thereby your experiences. Your feelings should align with your affirmation, always.

The worst thing you can do in these situations is to berate yourself and start running through your mind thoughts about how stupid you think you look and feel etc.

Confidence is inside every one of us, we simply don’t allow it to shine. It has nothing to do with anyone else, and the best thing you can do to allow more of it, is to focus solely on you and begin to be nicer and kinder to yourself.

Always ask if you’re treating yourself the way you’d treat your best friend.

If not, then it’s time to start being a better friend to you, because you’re the most important component in this equation.

Confidence in yourself will translate into confidence in every area of your life, including your relationships.

All the power lies within you, not with anyone or anything outside of you. We can all do it and we all deserve to feel good about ourselves.


Please email your questions and success stories to:

Thanks for reading. Now go out there and believe in yourself! 🙂





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