Ep. 29: How Sending Sexy Text Messages Can Benefit Your Relationship
Sex, Lust & Love…What Matters?
Everyone assumes that men do it a lot…but what about women?
A few months ago I wrote about how often men pleasure themselves and what gets them in the mood to do it. I interviewed married and single men to compare their habits and many readers found it very fascinating.
While many people assumed they knew a bit about men’s habits, most people were also curious about women’s habits of self-pleasure.
I typically only research and write about men but I had so many requests from my male readers who wanted to know how often women do it and what they think about while they’re doing it?
It took me several months to get women to respond to questions about their sex lives and many refused to participate due to privacy issues.
Fortunately I was able to find several women who were willing to answer the question:
“How often do you participate in ‘self-pleasure’ and what do you think about while doing it?”
I asked the women to elaborate on things that get them in the mood and if there are times when they are more likely to do it etc. I must admit that I was surprised at the frequency with which women take time for themselves but I was not surprised at some of the fantasies that get them in the mood.
It seems that women pleasure themselves at almost the same frequency as men do.
The women I spoke to were between the ages of 23-64 and were either married, single, divorced or widowed.
There were one or two outliers, but the average was 2-3 times per week. Almost all of the responders said that receiving a sexy text during the day from a lover was one of the best ways to get them in the mood. The texts were not necessarily salacious, but more compliments about the women or about things he likes doing to her or what he planned to do to her later that evening.
One 24-year-old single student said she participates once per day and she shared what really gets her in the mood.
“I think about a guy that I’m really attracted to and I imagine him having his way with me – that’s really hot! Also, when guys are really good with their hands and they know where and how to touch you or when they do something sexy like stand up for you or protect you. Even something as simple as telling me how beautiful he thinks I am or how much he wants me – that really gets me in the mood!”
I was also surprised at how many women admitted to watching porn. We typically hear about how men always watch porn and the majority of women don’t care for it. However, I found that almost all the women I interviewed used porn as a way to get themselves in the mood. Only one of the woman said she did not watch porn but preferred to listen to love songs instead.
A 46-year-old divorced manager shared what she thinks about while she’s in the act. “My thoughts vary, but I usually think about naughty fantasies or things that I’ve never done like threesomes. Sometimes I watch porn or look at naked pictures of someone unknown. I never think about old lovers or crushes, it’s always someone unknown.”
Another 48-year-old stylist and lifestyle coach shared what gets her in the mood: “What gets me in the mood – porn. If I’m dating someone, and they come up behind me and kiss my neck. If we’re out, the little flirtatious touches and compliments do it as well as a sense of humor, that’s the biggest turn on for me.”
Many of the women said they fantasize about a man or multiple men coming into their room and taking control and being somewhat dominant with them. Some women had this same fantasy, however, the men were very submissive and the woman was the more dominant one.
A dating and relationship coach shared a fantasy she thinks about where multiple men are pleasuring her.
“I sometimes think about lying naked on a warm and padded Lazy Susan in the middle of large round table which is surrounded by men. As I choose each man, he performs cunnilingus on me for as long or as short of a time as I allow. Then I move on to the next man.”
Many women said they prefer to read erotic novels to get them in the mood.
A 44-year-old divorced executive assistant shared: “I usually do it every other day but it depends on my stress level and my emotional health. What really gets me in the mood is a sexy movie or TV show, reading erotica or a good dirty story. I really love getting sexy messages from my lover during the day though– that really turns me on and gets me in the mood.”
There were a few women who said that the main thing that turns them on is their boyfriend or husband. These women tended to think about them to get them in the mood as well as during the act itself. One married woman said she only pleasures herself for her husband’s enjoyment; otherwise she rarely does it on her own.
A couple’s therapist that I interviewed had an interesting perspective on the topic. She suggested that there might not be any benefit to either men or women if it’s known how often they participate in self-pleasure, even though that may be the actual question being asked by them.
She explained: “It seems to me that behind such questions are relationship concerns not being directly stated. For example, knowing how often women pleasure themselves would have very little impact or meaning to men in general. I suspect that beneath that question, men may want to know more specifically, ‘If my girlfriend or wife partakes in self-pleasure daily, does that mean that she’s not sexually satisfied with me?”
Perhaps that is the driving force behind such questions but I believe that many men have specific questions and they are seeking specific answers.
One last response came from a single 34-year-old Graduate student who told me she does it daily and sometimes multiple times per day. She explained that she fantasizes about her fetishes and S&M. “I don’t think it’s extreme but nonetheless, I enjoy the idea of bondage. I often have my eyes closed and I can’t see and don’t know the person who is ‘f&*%ing’ me. Other times I enjoy looking and will watch myself in a mirror and just enjoy seeing myself in the act. I don’t need much to get me in the mood; it’s a constant urge. I’m pretty sure my sex drive is higher than most men’s.”
When it comes to our self-pleasuring habits, it seems that men and women aren’t that different. Most of us need and enjoy visual stimulation as well as compliments from our lovers, and of course remembering a touch or affection from a lover seems to work for most people.
So for the men out there, buy the woman in your life those erotic novels and send her flirtatious messages throughout the day. You won’t be sorry!
I hope after reading some of these responses, women will feel less ashamed about their ‘habits’ and more empowered and proud of their sexuality.
Thank you to all the women who were brave enough to share such intimate details with me.
Please continue sending your questions to email@example.com
-Heidi Doheny Jay, M.S.