Published On: Mon, Aug 11th, 2014

Ownership in Relationships

By Clay Robinson

“Why did you hit me?”  I hit you because I don’t want you to leave me!  Those words and the rationale provided are common in relationships everywhere. It occurs with both male and female aggressors and it all starts with ownership.  I believe ownership is a natural mindset that is developed early in our infancy.  A 1 year old will reach for your belongings and cry or hit you to get it.  We see children playing at 2 or 3 years of age start to fight and bite for something that doesn’t belong to them and most of us have witnessed a toddler striking out if another tries to touch his or her belongings.  These behaviors exhibited early in life are possibly the foundation to selfish or violent behavior within our relationships.

On numerous occasions I have had discussions about the mindset associated with the words “my” and “mine” and the ownership that is attached to these words.  Words that indicate ownership definitely have multiple meanings that can vary from person to person.  I want you to search your mental history about incidents in which a person reacted aggressively or assaultive because of their view point regarding what he or she felt they owned.  Now I’m not referring to property you own, I’m speaking of the ownership we express regarding our mates in relationships.

At almost every age, we can and will display aggressive, violent or vindictive behaviors when we feel that what is ours in a relationship is leaving or gone.  Many families have experienced the tremendous pain of losing a loved one or someone being severely injured physically by a man or woman who has taken “my” or “mine” to the extreme. Many of us have often used this word, but the vast majority of us have not let it get out of control where someone has been hurt physically or emotionally.

Why do we choose to hurt each other because of the ownership concept we have when we are in a relationship?  Is it that we view our relationships in the same manner as our material possessions?  The largest purchases in our lives usually come with some type of paperwork that confirms ownership and gives us rights that prevent others from infringing on our ownership.  Is a marriage license the same as a deed or a title?  The law has supported our defense of ownership to a certain degree, based more on the personal threat than the property value.  Your car comes with a title, your home comes with a deed and marriage comes with a license.  What does that marriage license mean to a man or a woman and what are they entitled to?  Have you ever considered the concept of ownership that might come with a marriage license?

When you enter into a relationship will you encounter aggression?  Will your mate take the concept of “my wife” or “my husband” to a violent level?  Should you have a conversation about what “my” or “mine” means to your significant other?  What about their previous relationships? How did those relationships end and how did they feel about it?

These questions are very relevant today.  We are seeing too many incidents of extreme behavior with deadly results.  No one has the right to hurt another human being or even an animal because they have a piece of paper.  If you don’t understand or can’t control your behavior you should reexamine what “you’re mine” means to you, because realistically, you should never want to hurt what you believe is yours.

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